Bromeo and Juliet

A line for line translation of Romeo and Juliet into bro-speak. Written by Bill "The Broet" Shakespeare

Act 3. Scene Five. (Part Three)

JULIET. Who’s dat ho screamin’ my name? Is it my rents? What the fuck is she doing up so late and/or awake so early? What is this fuckery, why is she here?

CAPULET GIRLFRIEND enters.

CAPULET GIRLFRIEND. Wuzzup, bitch?

JULIET. I’m not doing so hot.

CAPULET GIRLFRIEND. Oh Christ, are you gonna be totally pussy and cry about your cousin’s forever? Fuck that shit, you’re gonna wash him out of that crummy grave with tears. Look, I know a thing or two about looks, and showing grief can work in your favor, but crying all the fucking time just makes you look as stupid as your Anthropology TA.

JULIET. I want to cry forever, I’m so wrecked inside.

CAPULET GIRLFRIEND. Okay, the bro is dead as your sex life right now, what’s crying going to do?

JULIET. Let me cry!

CAPULET GIRLFRIEND. Oh my god, you’re being such a boner right now I HAVE to QUOTE that Delta Gamma genius right now: “I will fucking cunt punt the next person I see [crying], and I don’t give a fuck if you SOR me, I WILL FUCKING ASSAULT YOU.” If I didn’t know any better, I’d believe you were crying for the guy that killed him. because “I’ve gotten texts about [you] actually cheering for the [MontaGAYS]. The opposing. Fucking. Fraternity. ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID?!! I don’t give a SHIT about [supporting other human beings], YOU CHEER FOR OUR GODDAMN [SORORITY], NOT THE OHTER ONE, HAVE YOU NEVER [LIVED LIFE]? ARE YOU FUCKING BLIND?” 

JULIET. What opposing person?

CAPULET GIRLFRIEND. That boner muncher, Romeo.

JULIET. He does make me cry like a totally pussay. He’s Douche Stalin, responsible for douchicide. I wish I could avenge my cousin’s death! I really want to go Rambo II on everyone’s asses.

CAPULET GIRLFRIEND. We’ll have revenge for it. Just like The Rock in Fast Five, we’ll have revenge. I’ll send a cold blooded assassin like that blonde haired weird-o Arya Stark was chilling with season two of Game of Thrones, then that sucker of sucking Romeo will be dead.

Back to Our Regularly Scheduled Programming

Hello MANtagues and Cap’nMorganUlets,

My bad for not being around recently to post bro-filled, profanity-laden translations of that douche Shakespeare’s plays. I got swamped with other writing projects, but now I’m back and ready to tell you bros the epic, raging finale of Bromeo and Juliet.

Thanks for being awesome. Let’s keep partying.

Act 3. Scene Five. (Part Two)

The House Mother enters.

HOUSE MOTHER. Juliet?

JULIET. House mother?

HOUSE MOTHER. Your big is coming here soon. You see that light outside? That means it’s light, and you gotta check your shit and clean yourself up and get that stanky ass smell of sex out of here.

The House Mother exits.

JULIET. Well then tell the window and all that light and all that day to go fuck itself!

ROMEO. I gotta bug out. I’m outta here. Kiss me babe, then I’m out.

They kiss. 

JULIET. Just like that then? You’re gone? Okay then. I guess I’ll hit you up later my husband. My friend. I need to get tweets and texts and snapchats from you every hour. I’ll be missing you every second of every minute, and, I’m no math major, but that sounds like a shitload of lonely seconds.

ROMEO. Peace out! I’ll figure out how to send private messages over Twitter and send them to you #truelove. 

JULIET. Do you think we’ll ever meet again?

ROMEO. Dude, I’ve got no doubt we’ll see each other soon. In fact, I’ll bet you when all this bullshit is done, we’ll be telling each other and blogging this story to our grandkids and they’ll all be like, “lol, you two were weird.” And we’ll be like, yeah dude, yeah dude we were.

JULIET. Oh man, I must be hungover from that awesome sex last night because my eyesight is all freaking weird. You look like that dead cadaver that med student instagram’d the other night while you sit down there in the mist.

ROMEO. You look pale too. Must’ve been rocking sex then. We’re so damn sad that our skin is turning white. We must be really sad then. 

Romeo exits.

JULIET. Oh what fucking shit is this shit that I need to feel like shit just took a shit on my face? This shit better figure it’s shit out and stop changing its mind, or else I’m going to be pissed off. I hope Romeo comes back soon.

CAPULET GIRLFRIEND. (From off-stage) Juliet, you ho, you awake yet!?

Act 3. Scene Five. (Part One)

Enter ROMEO and JULIET. They totally just did it.

JULIET. Are you bugging out and ditching already? I’m sure you didn’t hear the garbage truck, it was a cabbie driving some drunk biddies home meaning it’s still dark and night out. 

ROMEO. No way dude. That was the garbage truck, meaning it’s dawn. Like, I can even see the sun starting to rise. Woah. Holy shit is that what that looks like? I’ve literally never seen the sunrise before. Crazy. But for real I gotta go or I’m totally gonna get killed.

JULIET. No that’s not daylight. That’s the trail of fire and light from that meteor that banged Russia. It’s lighting your way to Mantua’s campus, so you just need to stay a little while longer.

ROMEO. Fuck this shit. Let them catch me and fuck me up and beat the shit out of me. See if I care! That light over there isn’t morning light. It’s gotta be that meteor. Juliet wants me to stay. So fuck it, I love her and I’m going to stay. It’s not morning yet. Let’s talk.

JULIET. No, no, no, it is morning. I can tell. I knew it was a garbage truck picking up the pieces of last night’s sorority row clusterfuck. You need to leave! Go! Run away Lassie! I do wish that garbage truck had lost its wheels or had been slashed, for then we’d never hear it, and it’d never be morning and we wouldn’t be yanked from each other’s arms. But it still has its wheels, and there will be douchey roid-bulging bros out to hunt you. It’s time to go.

ROMEO. There’s more light in the sky. I’m no longer drunk. I’m no longer in awe of that sunrise. I guess I need to go.

Bromeo and Juliet

Title: Bromeo and Juliet

Synopsis: So there was this totally chill badass way back when right? His name was William Shakespeare, went by Billy, and he got off on writing this poetry shit and plays and crap like that. So he became super popular and went to all these parties and could shotgun like a champ. Now all these weird-ass arts students and high school kids study his work like its that Tolstoy guy or fucking Mart Twain or some shit. Nah man. He’s Bill Shakespeare not some lame nerd like Ben Jonson, and Bromeo and Juliet is how he would’ve wanted it. I present for your consideration a line for line translation of “Romeo and Juliet” into bro-speak.

Example: 

“Brologue”

So there’s these two families, they’re both pretty chill and shit right?

They both stomp around Verona’s campus, some shithole in Italy,

But they got beef with each other - basically out of principle at this point,

Instead of settling this shit chill-like through kegstands and shot contests, they just get in nasty sober brawls

One family’s got this slammin’ hottie, the other a pretty chill and ripped bro,

They’re like drawn to each other and fall in love and shit,

But they’re fuckin’ idiots and this priest is a total stoner, they like kill themselves,

Then their families brohug it out because no way in hell these families ever do this otherwise,

So this is the story we’re gonna tell, so refill your Solo cups and grab a 40,

This is gonna be a long one, but if you all just chill the fuck out and shut up,

You will really like it.

Act 3. Scene Four. (Part One)

Enter CAPULET PRESIDENT, CAPULET GIRLFRIEND, and PARIS.

CAPULET. Well shit has gotten really outta hand bro. I gotta say, I feel for you, but let’s be real here. We all die. I learned that in my boring-ass philosophy class the other day. Mind blowing shit here man. Look bro, I don’t think Juliet is coming down anytime soon, and, I had like way too many James Bond martinis at Tybalt’s wake today so I’m gonna go crash.

PARIS. Aight. I feel bad for you guys. I really do. Tybalt seemed… not terrible. So I guess this has all been just a huge bummer. Tell Juliet I said wuzzup, but I guess I gotta roll.

CAPULET GIRLFRIEND. Fo sho. I’ll chat her up about the whole marriage thing tomorrow. 

CAPULET. Paris. Despite the douchery of your name, I’ll work my magic on Juliet. She’ll totally bone you and marry you. Girlfriend! Before your come to bed, stop by Juliet’s room and bitch slap the sadness out of her by telling her the awesomeness of Paris’s marriage proposal. How does Wednesday sound to get married? That should be a rockin’ party. Wait! What day is it?

PARIS. Monday.

CAPULET. Oh shit Wednesday’s too soon. I have a chem final on Thursday morning. Thursday! The wedding and rager will be Thursday! We gotta order some kegs. Is Amazon still doing a keg deal? OH SHIT, people might think we’re being total assholes considering Tybalt just died a horrific, very public, very humiliating death and now we’re partying. Yeah, we should definitely wait ‘til Thursday. 

PARIS. Well now I’ve got a hard-on for Thursday. I wish it was tomorrow.

CAPULET. Same bro! All those hot bridesmaids will be drunk off their asses. Girlfriend! Go check on Juliet! I’ve had way too much to drink and my liver is informing me that sex is not an option tonight because I’m gonna throw up if I try to move too much. Bed it is then! Good night! Dude, Paris, why the hell are you still here, get outta here bro.

End of scene four.

Hamlet the Hipster

I have begun my new Shakespeare translation. Follow the link http://hamletthehipster.tumblr.com/ to check it out. Have no fear, Bromeo and Juliet will be finished soon.

Act 3. Scene Three. (Part Four)

ROMEO. Yo were you just talkin’ bout my super hot wife Juliet? Is she totally pissed at me? Does she think I’m a douche just cuz I totally fucked up her cousin’s face?

HOUSE MOTHER. No, she doesn’t say shit. She hides her face because she cries, she falls on her bed, trips over herself, slips in a puddle of her own tears, weeps some more, stares at sad tumblr pages, googles things like “fml” “sad” and “fuck it all to hell”.  Then she’ll cry out “Tybalt!” then begin making a collage of disturbing images and then yells “Romeo!” and then she tries to eat and cry at the same time.

ROMEO. Do you hear this shit Lawrence!? Are you hearing this!? Juliet hates me! It’s over. It’s over. It’s all over. Just like my Colonel Mustard with a candlestick in the study, it’s all over.

Romeo takes a candlestick, squirts mustard on himself, and raises it above his head ready to smash himself.

FRIAR LAWRENCE. Woah chill out there big guy. You’re acting way too uptight about this whole situation dude. You gotta stop crying like a weeping willow, it is totally depressing me. Now, I gotta admit, I thought you were way smarter and way less crazay than this, because man, you’re acting kinda cray cray. Like, if you kill yourself, then that’s like killing Juliet, because you know, she’s your wife now. Wow that’s insane to say. She’s your wife. Wife. You have a wife. Weird. Dude look on the bright side! If Tybalt had killed you, you’d be really dead. Which sucks. Believe me on that one. Being dead is a downer like you’ve never experienced. Depressed me more than heroin when I was dead. So you’re not dead, neither is Juliet - bonus! - so you should totally not die right now.

HOUSE MOTHER. I’m crying that was so beautiful. See Romeo! You need to stay alive so you can finish school and be as educated as this handsome piece of man meat. Romeo, I’ll go tell Juliet you’re going to her.

ROMEO. Do it yo! And tell her we’re gonna bang. It’s gonna be awesome.

HOUSE MOTHER. Oh, here’s a cock ring she wants you to have too! Well you better pick up the pace it’s getting late.

HOUSE MOTHER exits.

ROMEO. Well I’m feeling better.

FRIAR LAWRENCE. Dude! What are you waiting for? Get yourself out of here and out there to have a fun time in Juliet’s bed. Woah! You know what I just realized? You’re fucking married. That’s crayzay. Oh before I forget, you’re totally gonna have to hide out at Mantua campus after this for fear that they’ll find you and totally kill your ass and wear your skin at the next football game like a mascot.  I’ll have Benny send you twitter updates and shit about what’s happening while you’re hiding out.

ROMEO. Well, I’m off to have the greatest night ever. Sorry you’re so sad and high all the time bro. I still like you though. Ciao.

End of Scene Three.

Act 3. Scene Three. (Part Three)

The knocking continues loudly. This better not be a ding-dong ditcher. That’d be a total d-bag move right now.

LAWRENCE. Balls in my mouth! Romeo, hide your fat ass somewhere they won’t see you! 

ROMEO. I’m not gonna hide unless my sadness envelopes me in a dark shroud.

LAWRENCE. What the fuck, do I have to hear you be an emo bitch right now? Hide fool!  (calling) Just a moment! (to Romeo) Get your sorry ass in my study. Stop being a moron. (calling) Chill out for two seconds would you? (to Romeo) I’m gonna punch you straight in the mouth if you don’t get moving. Be a tool and actually do what I tell you will you? (calling) Goddamnit I’m on my way!

HOUSE MOTHER. (from offstage) Let me inside! I’ve got some news from Juliet.

LAWRENCE. (opening the door) Okay okay can you shut the fuck up and stop screaming? 

HOUSE MOTHER. Where in the goddamn hell is Romeo?

LAWRENCE. He’s getting shwetty on his own tears.

HOUSE MOTHER. Oh he and Juliet are a match made in heaven. She’s getting shit-faced on her tears as well. Romeo! Stop crying like Kobe Bryant after a foul and get out here! Stand up! Stand up! You’re totally being a little crybaby right now. 

ROMEO. House mother?

HOUSE MOTHER. Son of a bitch. Death is a total punk. Just like you.

Act 3. Scene Three. (Part Two)

ROMEO. You gotta be kidding me bro! This is like so douchey-douche of that douche Dean.  It’s total torture. He’s ripping my bro-soul out. He’s like a dementor that is sucking me - and not in the awesome way - and he’s ripping out my bro-soul, the thing that makes me who I am.  Juliet is like a fresh beer tap at a rocking club where I just put my limitless credit card down and opened a tab. She’s ready to go man! And now I’ve been expelled and can never return!? This is a load of fucking bullshit. This is like that time that professor made me turn in my literature paper when I totally explained that I had a legitimate excuse - I was hungover as shit that day. Unfuckingbelievable. My soul is being torn to shreds, lit on fire, and then eaten by Smaug the Dragon all because I was too busy being fucking incredible at everything. Horseshit.

LAWRENCE. Will you shut the fuck up for two seconds so I can talk to you? 

ROMEO. You’re just gonna say I’ve been expelled again!

LAWRENCE. Here, I won’t mention you being expell- sorry. How about this. Here’s your remedy to restore your bro-soul again: philosophy.

ROMEO. Fuck you. You know I failed philosophy three times.  What has thinking got to do with anything? When in the world has thinking ever helped anyone!?

LAWRENCE. So now you’re deaf too?

ROMEO. I ain’t no cripple! Why should I listen to you, when you can’t even see how fucked up this whole situation is!?

LAWRENCE. Can I speak please?

ROMEO. You can’t talk about shit because you don’t know shit! Look at me! I’m the pinnacle of amazing. The height of awesome. The apex of the fuck-yeah. What do you know about that? You’re a priest, or monk, or friar or whatever the hell that is.  Listen to my goddamn day: I dropped Rosaline, stalked and made out with Juliet, married Juliet, fucking killed a bro, and then to put the cherry on top of my bullshit cheesecake of a day, I’m expelled. You might want to rip your own hair out like me or start digging my own grave right now.

Really loud knocking off-stage as if somebody cares.