JULIET. Who’s dat ho screamin’ my name? Is it my rents? What the fuck is she doing up so late and/or awake so early? What is this fuckery, why is she here?
CAPULET GIRLFRIEND enters.
CAPULET GIRLFRIEND. Wuzzup, bitch?
JULIET. I’m not doing so hot.
CAPULET GIRLFRIEND. Oh Christ, are you gonna be totally pussy and cry about your cousin’s forever? Fuck that shit, you’re gonna wash him out of that crummy grave with tears. Look, I know a thing or two about looks, and showing grief can work in your favor, but crying all the fucking time just makes you look as stupid as your Anthropology TA.
JULIET. I want to cry forever, I’m so wrecked inside.
CAPULET GIRLFRIEND. Okay, the bro is dead as your sex life right now, what’s crying going to do?
JULIET. Let me cry!
CAPULET GIRLFRIEND. Oh my god, you’re being such a boner right now I HAVE to QUOTE that Delta Gamma genius right now: “I will fucking cunt punt the next person I see [crying], and I don’t give a fuck if you SOR me, I WILL FUCKING ASSAULT YOU.” If I didn’t know any better, I’d believe you were crying for the guy that killed him. because “I’ve gotten texts about [you] actually cheering for the [MontaGAYS]. The opposing. Fucking. Fraternity. ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID?!! I don’t give a SHIT about [supporting other human beings], YOU CHEER FOR OUR GODDAMN [SORORITY], NOT THE OHTER ONE, HAVE YOU NEVER [LIVED LIFE]? ARE YOU FUCKING BLIND?”
JULIET. What opposing person?
CAPULET GIRLFRIEND. That boner muncher, Romeo.
JULIET. He does make me cry like a totally pussay. He’s Douche Stalin, responsible for douchicide. I wish I could avenge my cousin’s death! I really want to go Rambo II on everyone’s asses.
CAPULET GIRLFRIEND. We’ll have revenge for it. Just like The Rock in Fast Five, we’ll have revenge. I’ll send a cold blooded assassin like that blonde haired weird-o Arya Stark was chilling with season two of Game of Thrones, then that sucker of sucking Romeo will be dead.data-url=”http://bromeoandjuliet.tumblr.com/post/50303758961/act-3-scene-five-part-three” data-text=”Act 3. Scene Five. (Part Three)”>