Bromeo and Juliet

A line for line translation of Romeo and Juliet into bro-speak. Written by Bill "The Broet" Shakespeare

Act 2. Scene Five. (Part Three)

JULIET. No I’m not hungry! How can I be hungry when all you’re doing is telling me shit I already know! What does he say about us getting married and banging? What about that shit!?

HOUSE MOTHER. I’ve got a worse headache than you did this morning.  My head is on fire, I feel like it’s going to split like a bro who finds out his girl is preggers. Not to mention my back - 

JULIET rubs her back like a tool during pledge week.

- Oh get the other side. You should be feel ashamed of yourself. And actually ashamed of yourself, not that obviously fake ashamed noise you make on the phone with your boyfriend when he calls wondering why there are facebook pics of you grinding on some stranger at a raging house party. I could die you know, being made to run all over campus at my age.

JULIET. Believe me, I’m sorry you’re in pain, but sweet, beautiful, and attractive House Mother, can’t you just quit bitching for two seconds and tell me what the fuck it was he fucking said?

HOUSE MOTHER. Your handsome, chiseled, and raw bro-love says like an honorable, almost-honor-roll-almost-Dean’s-List-but-still-viewed-as-the-light-of-the-world-by-his-parents-man that - where in the hell is the Capulet president?

JULIET. What!? What kind of an answer is that? You sound like those bitches (grad students) during class who don’t contribute to the conversation but insist on speaking anyway.  What do you mean “Where in the hell is the Capulet president?”

HOUSE MOTHER. You have no right to talk to me like that!  I have three mail-in PhD’s.  You’re getting a B.A. in god knows what!  If you’re this impatient, you can just be your own courier for your own sappy messages!

JULIET. You’re making such an obnoxious fuss.  Why can’t you just grow a pair and tell me what Romeo said?

HOUSE MOTHER. Do you pass by the chapel on your walk to class?

JULIET. Duh.

HOUSE MOTHER. Then hurry your ass up, walk to class but instead cut class and walk right into that chapel and find Friar Lawrence.  There you will find a man who plans on being your husband. Oh, have I got your attention now?  Get going get going.  I have to go find a ladder or Batman-esque grappling hook for Romeo to climb up into your room tonight.  I do all the hard work, like always, so that you can keep up the whole house with your screams and moans that are sometimes mistaken for the sacrificing of a goat.   Hurry up!  You need to be married to do wife’s work tonight.