Bromeo and Juliet

A line for line translation of Romeo and Juliet into bro-speak. Written by Bill "The Broet" Shakespeare

Scene 3. (Part Three)

CAPULET GIRLFIREND. (To Juliet). So like oh my god what do you think? Aren’t you like totally psyched and excited to get laid?! At the party tonight, you’ll see this hottay totally looking ripped and muscular and smooth. Just look at his chiseled jawline, gaze into his dreamy eyes, examine his pants and check out the bulge. I mean for God’s fucking sake’s the man is single! All he needs is a beautiful woman to make him… fucking perfect. I think it’s a crime that you would even hide your hottness from him. Lots of those whores from the other houses think he’s a total Efron-esque hottie and whoever marries him is going to be so popular and rich. Like, think about it like this, you can’t lose anything by fucking him.

HOUSE MOTHER. Lose anything? If she screws him she will swell up all big and pregnant.

CAPULET GIRLFRIEND. Just give us a quick answer. Can you go ahead and hook up with Paris?

JULIET. I guess I’ll flirt or dance with him a little, but I won’t go home with him unless you seem cool with it. Just make sure I’m not roofied or raped.

PETER enters. 

PETER. Oh, excuse me. Um… A ton of people just showed up. The house is raging, the kegs are already getting stood upon, there’s people asking for you to poledance, bro’s already trying to drop date rape drugs in Juliet’s drinks and she’s not even down there yet, and the House Mother is needed because some girl came to the party naked claiming to be the police. Please help me. 

CAPULET GIRLFRIEND. Okay okay I’ll follow you down. Juliet. Go get laid.

HOUSE MOTHER. Go little girl, look for a man who’s man enough to give you the greatest pleasure at night after long beautiful days.